Space Travel Makes us Short, Fat and Bald

A new and simple method of hair loss prevention has come about following the claims of one scientist keep your feet firmly on the ground. It would appear that Danny DeVito would have made a better Captain James Kirk than Chris Pine for Star Trek because, if we’re being realistic, long-term space travel make a person short, fat and bald.

According to astrobiologist Dr. Lewis Dartnell, living without gravity would cause a persons’ bones and muscles to be underdeveloped, leaving them stunted and weak. Not to mention, he said: “Without gravity, fluid would float up to pool in the skull, which would cause the head to look permanently swollen and out of proportion." And the bad news doesn’t stop there.

Space-travelling humans would have no hair, since in a controlled environment they wouldn’t need it to insulate their heads: “With no need for hair to insulate the head or eyelashes to flick dust from their eyes, future humans may become completely hairless," he said.

Just our luck - we’ve only fairly recently made some headway with effective hair loss treatments here on Earth and we’d have to start researching solutions for space-balding! Then again, perhaps we’ve just now stumbled upon a cure of hair loss. All we need to do is move everyone with male pattern baldness and alopecia universalis to an uncontrolled, Siberian-style environment.

If there’s one thing we can make out of Dartnell’s picture of human space travellers, it’s that so far, the sci-fi depiction of short little green alien men with big heads is looking fairly spot on. Although if his prediction is anything to go by, there’s a key difference between the green men and Dartnell’s future space human.

“Future spacemen and women are likely to become pretty chubby,” he said, because travellers will not be required to exert any effort to either move or keep warm.

Great, so we’ll all be short, fat and bald if we venture into space for too long. But Dr. Dartnell’s findings aren’t definite, and contain more than a few holes. Maybe he’s just spent too much time analysing the amorphous blobs that represent the human race in WALL-E, because the Russian astronaut in Armageddon, although slightly odd, didn’t look to have any of the same problems. 

Dartnell’s theories come following the launch of the Kepler space telescope, which took place earlier this year. It’s expected to find a number of fertile Earth-like planets dotted around the cosmos and who knows what else - maybe Seinfeld’s George Costanza’s long-lost twin.

If you're not planning on going anywhere but your hair has other ideas, contact the Belgravia Centre to find out how you can keep it as stable a human in the clutches of gravity. To book a free appointment or for more information, call 020 7730 6666 or send an email. Alternatively, if your in outer space or otherwise unable to visit the centre, simply fill in the online diagnostic form for access to expert advice and mail-order treatment.

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